My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
