U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
