1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
