3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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