Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
