I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
