Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im holly from the hills drunk
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
