You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
