Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
