Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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