If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
