hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
