I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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