so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
P.S. I can't hear my feet
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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