Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
