Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
