im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
