I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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