I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
