my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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