Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
