Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
