The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
