this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
