You're my little dorito
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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