Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's shark week go big or go home
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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