There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
