I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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