I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
