Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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