yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
