i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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