$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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