my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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