shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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