Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
