too bad you live with your parents still
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
