Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
