as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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