pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
