my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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