My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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