Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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