well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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