she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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