This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
