I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
