I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
farters have to be the big spoon...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
