I just made out with a guy for $7.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
