Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
