Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
