I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
