I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
