i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
